Always Remembered: Inside the Annual Golisano Children’s Memorial Service

For the past 18 years, the Hafner-Ytreberg family has attended the Golisano Children’s Memorial Service in honor of their first child, Jackson.

Jackson was born in 2007 at just 30 weeks’ gestation. He was immediately admitted to the NICU, where Denise and her husband, Jonathan, learned that a portion of his bowel had died and would require emergency surgery. The procedure was successful, but two weeks into his recovery, Jackson’s condition suddenly worsened.

“How long do we have with him?” Denise asked.

“We don’t expect him to make it through the night,” the doctor answered.

That evening, Denise stayed by her son’s side—holding him close, singing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, and gently rubbing his cheek while his tiny hand wrapped around her finger.

“I felt a wave of peace come over me,” she recalled. “Jackson opened his eyes really wide, then passed away at 12:07 a.m.”

“He made it through the night,” Jonathan said.

Jackson’s life, though far too short, has never been forgotten.

For Denise and Jonathan, the annual memorial service is one way they continue to celebrate Jackson’s life and connect with others who understand the experience of losing a child.

Established 22 years ago, the Golisano Children’s Memorial Service honors the children who have left us too soon and the loved ones who continue to carry them forward. Each spring, families from across the region return to the Interfaith Chapel on the University of Rochester’s River Campus to remember their children, share stories, and find comfort in a community bound by shared loss.

A Different Kind of Care

The afternoon begins with music filling the chapel as attendees arrive.

The music is performed by members of the Golisano Children’s team. Throughout the service, physicians, nurses, music therapists, and medical students share a variety of songs, including “Give Your Heart a Little Time” from Sesame Street and “Over the Rainbow,” best known from The Wizard of Oz. Among the musicians and vocalists were Dr. Joseph Bliss, Neonatology; Dr. Dennis Kuo, Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics; Dr. Sarah Collins-McGowan, Pediatrics; Dr. Stephen Lurie, Family Medicine; and Dr. Etta Eskridge, Hospice and Palliative Medicine.

As the welcome music comes to a close, the speaking portion of the program continues with reflections from members of the Golisano Children’s care teams who carry memories of the children they have treated.

This year, Paul Vermilion, MD, palliative care physician, paid tribute to a patient he will never forget: Ruthie.

After months of unexplained symptoms, Ruthie was diagnosed with medulloblastoma at 11 months old. When curative treatment was no longer possible, her family and care team focused on giving her comfort through palliative and hospice care.

“It’s been almost seven years since Ruthie died, and I still think about her every week or two,” Dr. Vermilion said.

In the years since Ruthie’s passing, her family has returned to the memorial service, where they reunite with the people who cared for her during her final weeks. “Attending the service has allowed us to reconnect with the people who helped us navigate the complexities of cancer, loss, and healing,” Ruthie’s mother, Maggie, said. “To be seen by those who cared for us and Ruth in a most vulnerable state creates an enduring bond that is difficult to describe.”

Other speakers included Nicole SanGiacomo-Zollo, NP, of the Pediatric Hematology/Oncology team and Dwayne May, RN, from the Golisano Children’s Transport Team.

For Denise Hafner-Ytreberg, these shared words have become one of the most meaningful parts of the service. “As a parent, you don’t want your child to be forgotten,” she said. “It’s so special to hear the stories of the children who stay with them.

A Parent’s Perspective

Each year, a bereaved parent shares their story—their child, their grief, and the love that endures long after loss. This year, that parent was Jeanette George.

Jeanette’s son, Colby, was diagnosed with two congenital heart defects shortly after birth and was transported to Golisano Children’s for care. Over the years, he endured multiple surgeries and faced a number of serious medical complications

When Colby was 11, a clot formed on his mitral valve, requiring medication that later contributed to a brain bleed.

“When Colby woke up after brain surgery, he wasn’t himself,” she said. “The doctors said they felt we were all delaying the inevitable. We knew we had to listen to Colby’s body.”

Colby died on April 30, 2015, just hours before his 12th birthday.

Jeanette attended the memorial service for the first time the following year and has returned most years since. When asked to speak, she wasn’t immediately sure she wanted to do it.

“I was hesitant at first,” she said. “I didn’t know if I could make it through the speech without breaking down. But ultimately, I decided that if it helps even just one person in the room, it’s worth it.”

During her remarks, Jeanette reflected on what it means to move forward while carrying grief.

"I’ve just recently started saying ‘good’ when people ask how I’m doing,” she said. “But how can I be ‘good’ when my son isn’t here?”

Her words captured the complicated emotions many bereaved parents carry as time passes—days, months, and years creating distance from the earliest stages of grief, but never from the love they hold for their child.

Around the chapel, parents and loved ones nodded in quiet understanding.

A Space for Young Hearts

Grief touches every member of a family, including children who often experience loss in ways that can be difficult to express. The memorial service recognizes that healing looks different at every age.

As part of the program, children were invited to the front of the chapel for a reading of The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr.

Gathered together on the floor, they listened as the story gently explored loss, love, and remembering those who are no longer here.

"We all get sad when we say goodbye to someone we love. Always try to remember all the happy times you shared together.”

The message echoed the theme of the day: that grief and love exist side by side.

As the children returned to the pews, the focus shifted to one of the most emotional moments of the afternoon.

On the large screen at the front of the chapel, photographs of this year’s honored children filled the room—smiling faces and treasured moments preserved in time.

“The most emotional part of the day is seeing your child on that screen,” Jeanette said. “But I love seeing him up there. I want everyone to see him.”

For Denise, the slideshow has taken on another meaning over the years. Having attended the service for nearly two decades, she has come to recognize many of the children whose photographs appear year after year.

“I’ve gotten to know so many of the faces,” she said. “You remember them. You’ve never met them, but you feel connected to them and their families.”

The Butterfly Release

The service concludes with the annual butterfly release, a longstanding tradition that brings families together outside the chapel to honor their children and share a final moment of reflection before the day comes to a close.

This year’s unusually cold May weather made for a different experience than usual. Instead of immediately taking flight, many of the butterflies remained in the hands of the people holding them. Children and adults alike watched as the delicate creatures rested quietly on their fingers and palms.

Some families found symbolic meaning in the moment, viewing the butterflies’ reluctance to fly away as a “hello” from the child they had come to honor.

In time, many of the butterflies were carefully placed upon the surrounding shrubs and flowers as attendees made their way back inside for a reception. The gathering offers an opportunity to reconnect with familiar faces and meet others who are in attendance for the first time.

"Losing a child is something that bonds people,” Denise said. “One silver lining we look forward to each year is catching up with the families we’ve met through this service, who have become friends."

More than two decades after it began, the Golisano Children’s Memorial Service continues to provide something many grieving families struggle to find: a space where their children are remembered, their stories are shared, and their loss is understood. For those who return year after year, it is not only a day of remembrance, but a reminder that love endures long after goodbye.

For Jeanette George, the memorial service has become an important part of remembering Colby. “The first year, I mainly went because I was curious,” she recalled. “I didn’t know what it involved, but I thought it was a nice thing for the hospital to do.”

What she found was more than she expected.

“The generosity and compassion of the people who organize the service is extremely evident,” Jeanette said. “I would absolutely encourage families to attend. It’s a healing opportunity.”

“Let yourself feel whatever you’re going to feel,” Denise adds. “Know that you’re not alone. You’re going through this with other people.”

“Just by being there, you’re offering somebody else hope that they’re going to go on and be okay.”