Conflict Avoidance

By Melissa Nunes-Harwitt, LCSW

What does the word “conflict” mean to you? For many people, conflict is a synonym for “hostility” and brings up images of shouting, name-calling, or storming away. The tension that arises from people’s needs or wants contradicting each other does not have to be negative. But if your experiences of disagreement have generally involved arguing or fighting, it may be difficult to imagine any benefits to engaging in conflict.

The Gottman Institute for marriage therapy views conflict as a disagreement that is a natural and inevitable part of any relationship. Since everyone has distinct likes and dislikes, any two people interacting will sooner or later encounter a difference of opinion. The only way to avoid conflict entirely is to give up on your own preferences.

Avoiding conflict can seem like a reasonable way to escape unpleasant outcomes. You might avoid conflict because you think someone will get mad at you. Maybe you think of it as a win-lose situation and are concerned about being the loser. The emotional energy of disagreement may not feel worth it compared to accommodating the other person’s needs. Your family may have taught you that it’s rude or selfish to go against another’s preferences; this rule may carry extra weight based on your (and the other person’s) gender, race, age, or education level. In other words, addressing conflict can be emotionally uncomfortable. But avoiding it has long-term consequences.

When you appease someone by ignoring what you like, the feelings inside you don’t go away. Instead they get pushed down, frequently leading to depression symptoms that you’re not able to explain. Or you feel anxious about making sure that you are keeping the other person happy. The feelings can also build up over time and lead to a verbal explosion. This is particularly likely when you’re having a stressful day or have dismissed your own needs repeatedly over a long period. 

What are some ways to approach disagreement that contribute to a gentler interaction?

• Tolerating uncomfortable feelings
• Stating your perspective
• Listening to different preferences
• Exploring areas of overlap or compromise

Note that these ideas are about inner stability and self-compassion as well as creating an external atmosphere where conflict has the potential to be productive and empathetic.

Exploring differences of opinion requires a level of emotional regulation and some tolerance for discomfort. These are skills that can be built up even if they do not come naturally to you. It is worth considering whether you are in the habit of ignoring your own needs. There are many benefits of learning to approach conflict by accepting challenging feelings, including getting your needs met, having deeper relationships, understanding yourself, reducing depression and anxiety symptoms, and overall greater life satisfaction.

If the idea of speaking up for yourself is intimidating or hard to imagine, therapy at Behavioral Health Partners may help. Behavioral Health Partners is brought to you by Well-U, offering eligible individuals mental health services for stress, anxiety, depression, and ADHD. To schedule an intake appointment, give us a call at (585) 276-6900.

Feuerman, M. (2024, November 19). Managing vs. resolving conflict in relationships. Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-vs-resolving-conflict-relationships/

Hample, D., & Hample, J. M. (2020). There is no away: Where do people go when they avoid an interpersonal conflict? Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 13(4), 304-325. 

https://doi.org/10.1111/ncmr.12170

Global Administrator | 4/1/2026